On our drive home down country from Scotland last Monday, I thought of you. I wondered how you were ;if you were still living in Edingburgh or had come home for another operation. It had been a few months since we'd messaged one another or even commented on one another's wall posts or photo. The thought was there that I'd be in touch with you soon. On Tuesday, your mum posted on your wall that you had suddenly passed away and were somewhere now in heaven surfing on a big blue wave.
It felt just so sad. You'd been through so much health wise. Relentless pain for the past three years and you wanted to live. I'm sure this desire to live had given you those extra months, when many without such fighting spirit would have already allowed themselves to be taken over to the next stage in life.
That's where you are now - pain free and I imagine happy and at peace even if there is no surf - perhaps there is?!
On Friday, I was able to go to your funeral. The dress I was going to change into got totally soaked with water in the car and so I ended up being at your funeral in a coral maxi skirt!! This wouldn't have been so bad except everyone else was wearing black! I know you wouldn't have minded! That or the fact that when I returned to the car, Joseph had just got out and was firing the gun he'd got free with his magazine! You were always so complimentary about our crazy, lively boys.
The service was lovely. The vicar spoke of hope through the resurrection and encouraged us to look at our own lives and evaluate how we were living. The music was meaningful - 'Bridge over troubled water' as you entered. The Adele song ' Feel my love' just so beautiful.
When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no - one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love
At the end, after the final prayer, The Beach Boys 'Surfin USA' played us out. At that moment I felt my coral maxi skirt was quite befitting of your favourite place to be - the beach. Dougie and I walked over to your coffin, admired your photo and placed a kiss goodbye for now.
It was lovely to see Antonio. Despite the sad circumstances, he looked so well and healthy. He looked so sad and it was moving to see him see his face lighten as he saw and embraced Dougie. Your mum's face did the same when she hugged him she said ' Aww Dougie you flirt!'
Antonio told me that your mum had found you at home collapsed and that you'd been alone. I felt moved to tell him as I felt so strongly when he was telling me that information that you had not been alone. I know someone would have come for you Claire to help you over to the other side. I think it was your loved Grandad H, who you went to the temple for a couple of years back but if it wasn't I know it would have been someone else.
After the service we took the boys to run off some of their energy at Humber Bridge Country park. They climbed the web climbing frame up and down and all around for well over an hour. My heart was full. The sky was blue and a masterpiece of art with the clouds. I spoke to Nathan of some feelings I'd had about who I was. I've felt Satan really try and get at me recently with negative thoughts. As I expressed this to Nathan, it was like a release valve. A pressure was released, I quietly wept and felt renewed. This is what your service had led me to do and I feel thankful. We had a really wonderful afternoon there. It is by no means a peaceful place being right next to the bridge with all it's traffic. Though you can't see it you can hear it. However, peace can be found anywhere. Peace is not a physical state but a spiritual one. That afternoon I found it there on my picnic blanket, in the park with my two older boys climbing a frame, my baby climbing on me and my husband just listening.
Claire you are beautiful inside and out. I will think of you. There will be times in the future when I'll click on your wall, look at your photos and comment. Be at peace, continue to learn the doctrines of our Saviour's gospel. Teach others about what you know, and someday my friend, we'll meet again.
Love Kathryn x